| December 31,
2002... Shrake 'n
Bake |
Looks like this'll be the last update
of the year. I've left you with something special you
can enjoy before the champagne cork hits the ceiling and the
ball hits the floor... just check out the reviews
section. It's a lot more functional than it once was,
and I plan to sharpen up the layout in the near
future.
I've also brought back Nature of the
Beast, for the moment, anyway. I've been meaning to make
this comic for a while but it seems more appropriate now that
the site's mascot has been on vacation for several
months.
Just a couple more things before my hot
date with Dick Clark... uh, wait a minute, that didn't sound
good at all! Er, disregard that, but DO listen to
this. I'm bringing back the fire sale, so if there's
anything you want on the list, go ahead and order it. If
you've already ordered a game but haven't sent money for it,
now's the time to do it. Finally, if you can't find
anything on the list that you really want, but have a strange
craving for Emerson Arcadia games, Ward Shrake's your go to
guy for multicarts. You'll find more information about
them on this site:
http://home.att.net/~wards.tech.corner/
| December 27,
2002... Bam! Zoom! Right to the
Moon! |
I'm aware that Christmas is over, but I
always have a tough time letting it go, so the banner's gonna
stick around a while.
Sorry I haven't been updating
much. Truth is, I've been chipping away at a couple of
other projects, most notably extracting the stupidity out of
the ColecoVision version of Moon Patrol. The game's
programmer decided that, since it wasn't going to be
commercially released anyway, he'd throw in some flying bras
and screw around with the title screen. I'm in the
process of changing everything BACK to the way it should be,
making the game a little closer to the arcade version and a
lot less ridiculous.
[Screenshot of
"Maoo Patrol"]
All right, there are a few kinks
I need to work out, but once I figure out how to rearrange the
title graphics it'll be an honest to goodness Moon Patrol
translation, rather than the official ColecoVision game of the
Communist Party.
Anyway, there's a new review by Phil
Estes. Have at it.
| December 14,
2002... Merry
Kombat |
Nothing says "Merry Christmas" quite
like a fat guy in an ill-fitting Nights costume. On the
plus side, you're getting a lot of legitimate gifts this
year along with the booby prize in the title
banner. John Roche leaps into the ring to do battle with
the biggest villains in video game wrestling (they're not just
bad, folks... they're even worse!), and Phil Estes ups the
ante with his reviews of mech combat games on the XBox.
I suffer through another Mortal Kombat release, and for the
first time in years, a batch of fresh Emerson Arcadia
games. Get 'em while they suck, folks! Oh, wait...
since they're Arcadia games, they'll be sucking for a good
long time, so there's really no rush.
Oh yeah, there's more. The mock
screenshots which had first become popular in Advance Theory
have spread to another section of the site, Colecotosis.
Ever wonder what Wizard of Wor might have looked like if
Coleco had kept its promise to release it twenty years
ago? Now's your chance to find out, as well as see how
Wizard of Wor might turn out if it were translated by one of
the best homebrew game designers in the business. Er,
hobby.
Finally, this week's episode of Zoo
Logic features guest appearances by the cast of
Newshounds. Thomas K. Dye agreed to participate in the
furry card game I'm designing, and I thought this would be a
fun way to celebrate the occasion.
Speaking of occasions, have a merry
Christmas, everyone! Hopefully, I'll see you before the
end of the year with a couple of new surprises.
| December 9, 2002... The
Only Time the Creator of Happy Days Made Me
Laugh |
Usually, I spend most of Sunday night
working on an update for The Gameroom Blitz, and tonight is no
exception. Perhaps that's not the best course of action
to take, since I have work the next morning, but my creative
juices flow most freely when everyone else is asleep.
Obviously, Friday and Saturday would be the best days to
tackle the site, but usually, those nights are spent on other
pursuits... either emulation or outside projects like, well,
this one to name
an example.
Oddly, I haven't added much to The
Gameroom Blitz despite devoting most of Sunday to
updating it. I had spent several hours on the layout and
reviews for a Neo-Geo section, but this section is far from
finished, missing a ton of reviews and a suitable title
graphic. I suspect that you won't be seeing this new
feature for a while. What you will get, however,
are a couple new reviews in Advance Theory and a Zoo Logic
comic. I'm sure a half dozen other comics have already
beaten me to the punch, but hey, the more people who drag
Honduras(s) through the mud for its idiotic decision to
ban violent video games, the better. It would be a lot
easier to take this law seriously if third world countries
made some attempt to protect their children from other
negative influences... like, you know, Nike's
sweatshops.
Before I sign off, I need to make a few
announcements. First of all, the new profiles are on
hold, as the contributors probably guessed when they didn't
get their forms over Thanksgiving weekend. They're still
not finished- hell, they haven't even been started!- but I'll
try to get cracking on them once my college classes are
over. Second thing... if you ordered anything from
the Fire Sale and haven't mailed out your payments, please do
it now. Money's been especially tight lately, and it
would be nice to afford something fun this Christmas.
I'm going to reopen the Fire Sale at the beginning of next
year, and all the items that haven't already been accounted
for will once again be up for grabs. Also, if you've
received items in the Fire Sale and haven't sent payment for
them, please do it now. Finally, if you're still out
there, Tombor, could you send me the rating graphics for the
Robot Rodeo Roundup? I'd love to use this article but I
can't run it until I've got those pictures.
I'll seizure guys later.
(Jess shakes violently and falls into
an inflatable pool)
(Garry Marshall walks by and casually
drops his laundry into the pool)
| December 1,
2002... Contra
Banned |
Aw, crumbs... I just lost the Contra
review I wrote for Advance Theory! Guess I'm gonna
have to replace it with a new one! Ah yes, this
will be LOTS of fun to write... it'll be the next best
thing to tying the designers to a torture rack!
You'll have to forgive me. It's
really late and my brain's on vacation right now.
Anyway, I've added a couple new reviews to the site... I think
you know which ones I'm talking about. I've also given
the game Survival Arts its just desserts on Fighter's
Misery (thanks to Chris
Farrington for the suggestion), and thrown a couple of new
reviews onto the Game Boy Advance page. The only thing
missing from this update is a new comic... instead, I've put
some sample artwork on the bottom of this page. It's for
an outside project I'm working on right now. However,
since video game and furry fandom seem to be mutually
exclusive hobbies, it's doubtful that any of you will give a
damn about it.
I'm acting like a cranky jerk right
now, so it would probably be best that I just go to bed before
I miss even more sleep and take that behavior to my
workplace. Good night, Gracie.
| November 25,
2002... Pilgrim's
Progress |
Soon, we'll enjoy a very special time
that comes only once a year. Nope, I'm not talking about
a Gameroom Blitz update... I was referring to
Thanksgiving. It's one of my favorite holidays,
but one that's quickly forgotten by most Americans.
I can't understand why, because Thanksgiving offers that
rare combination of family and top-quality food that no other
holiday can top, not even the mighty Christmas.
Thanksgiving brings everything from plump roast
turkey to creamy, satisfying pumpkin pie to your
table... while Christmas loads you up on a bunch of sweet
nothings like candy canes and cookies. If you're
"lucky", and I do use that term loosely, you might
get some Christmas ham, but there's no way a greasy
chunk of pork can compare to moist slices of warm turkey
breast, accented with delicately seasoned stuffing and zesty
cranberry sauce. I'm not knocking Christmas, folks... I
like Christmas. Christmas is good. But
Thanksgiving is good eatin', and that is as the old saying
goes the fastest way to a man's heart. It's also the
fastest way to clog his arteries, but that's a risk I'm more
than willing to take!
Speaking of potent edibles, I just
served up some hot, fresh food for thought on the
site. You'll find new Game Boy Advance reviews,
additions to the ColEx, and a new Zoo Logic comic... just the
thing to start off your Thanksgiving week right. If you
need second helpings, I've got reviews of X-Men: Next
Dimension and Rachet and Clank baking in the oven. I'll
be sure to let you know when they're done.
| November 21,
2002... Picking a Fight with the
Amiga |
Normally, I don't update on Thursdays,
but I just had to share this hilarious
song with you. It's the
theme from Fightin' Spirit, a one-on-one fighter which somehow
got lost on its way to the Neo-Geo and wound up on the Amiga
computer instead. Everything from the graphics to the
characters right
down to the fonts and
loading
screens will convince you that
it's on the wrong system. You also get the same high
quality you'd expect from a Neo-Geo game, which is a relief
after some of the other Amiga fighters I've played.
Elfmania and Mortal Kombat II are instant candidates for
Fighter's Misery... Mortal Kombat II is especially ridiculous
thanks to a typically poor conversion by Probe (it actually
pales in comparison to the Genesis version!) and the option to
play with a one button controller. That's right, kids,
just one button controls most of your character's moves.
The scary thing is that it's actually responsive and
intuitive, but you can't help but feel that the game's
functionality has been compromised when you could play it with
an Atari 2600 joystick.
It's not just Mortal Kombat II,
either... a lot of Amiga software is like this. You'd
think that Commodore would have given the system a more
complete joystick to complement its advanced hardware and
superior gaming capabilities, but some Amiga users were
still slumming with a single action
button even after Genesis players had upgraded from
their stock controllers to Sega's excellent six button arcade
pad. I simply can't understand this... if you're making
a game machine that blows everything else on the market away,
you might as well include a controller with at least four
buttons so your customers can enjoy it.
I've got two things to mention before I
go. The first is that I'm changing my plans for
Fighter's Misery... I'm not limiting myself to twenty games as
I'd planned to do in the past. Playing Mortal Kombat II
on the Amiga and Survival Arts on MAME made me realize that
there are just too many cheesy fighting games out there that
simply can't be ignored. Besides, limiting myself to my
original twenty choices stifles my creativity. It's been
so long since I've tried Battle Monsters that I don't have
much to say about it... but boy, I have plenty to say about
some of the lame Street Fighter II clones I've played more
recently. Getting rid of the twenty game limit lets me
review anything I want, whenever I want to, and that should
make Fighter's Misery a lot more spontaneous and fun to
read.
The second is that, yeah, I'm probably
giving the editors of Penny Arcade more grief than they really
deserve. A couple of my readers pointed out that while
Tycho and Gabe don't hesitate to bash people and websites that
irritate them, their targets of ridicule are rarely as
helpless as the victims of Something Awful's brutal (yet
increasingly predictable) reviews. Furthermore, Penny
Arcade is still fun to read, which is a whole lot more than I
can say for Something Awful... I swear, hatred and resentment
have never been so dull.
Having said all that, I still think my
"Weenie Arcade" parodies are funny. Hey, somebody has
to.
| November 18,
2002... Around the Web in Eighty
Days |
You wouldn't know it from this
installment of Zoo Logic, but I actually like Penny
Arcade. I'm just a little
upset with the editors of this comic, who've let their egos
grow to the size of mountains. You'd think it would be
bad enough that Penny Arcade has become so self-centered, but
apparently, Tycho and Gabe are convinced that they need to
make things even worse by attacking the editors of other web
comics, using the most inflammatory rhetoric possible.
Maybe the editor of MegaTokyo is willing to shrug off the
allegation that his comic is a "stroke-mag for pedophiles",
but what about his hundreds of readers?
I don't care for MegaTokyo myself...
the artwork is great, but nobody needs a comic devoted to l33t
speak. I've read enough of that confusing crap to last
me three lifetimes already. However, if I
did regularly read the comic, you'd better
believe I'd be angry about Tycho's irresponsible blanket
statement. There really isn't much I could DO about it,
though... except deflate his self-image a little with a comic
of my own. Maybe he and Gabe will find the humor in my
parody, but if they don't, at least they'll better understand
how the rest of us feel when they act like insensitive
jerks.
Well, enough of that. Let's talk
about the future of The Gameroom Blitz. What would you
like to see on the site? I've got several ideas but I
can't possibly turn them all into features. One thing
I'm dead set on doing is adding new profiles for the staffers,
but I'll need their cooperation to make that happen.
Everyone who writes or has written for The Gameroom Blitz in
the past will receive a form in an E-mail over Thanksgiving
weekend. I'd like them to both fill out the form and
supply a picture of themselves. I'll use the photos to
draw charicatures of the staffers, which will be placed
in their profiles instead of the sprite art I've used in the
past. I'd like to have all this finished and added to
the site on my birthday, the second of January, so if you guys
could help me achieve this goal by filling out the forms when
you get them, I would really appreciate it.
Everything else is still
undecided. I thought about adding film reviews to the
site after watching the unlikely combination of Harry Potter
and the Chamber of Secrets and Jackass. However, this is
probably best left to the likes of The
Flick Filosopher or even
Toastyfrog... I
do enjoy a good movie every once in a while, but I'm not what
you'd call a film expert, and having little experience with
the art and science of film making, I couldn't analyze them as
thoroughly or as accurately as the editors of other
sites. I'm sure I could do a better job than that Ain't
It Cool News guy, but let's face it, who couldn't? He
spent half his Blade II review talking about oral sex, for
crying out loud!
Getting back to the topic of video
games, I know I'll have to completely redesign The
Re-View Mirror. It's much too large to fit on two
pages... I'll have to split this section of the site into
multiple categories. Here's my question, though:
what categories should I use? Seperating the reviews by
system seems obvious enough, but that would result in nearly a
dozen pages, if not more. I'd hate to force the readers
to hop around that much just to check out the latest
reviews. I suppose I could go the Digital
Press route and offer an index,
perhaps with the five newest reviews at the top of the
page. I'll just need to whip up a layout that's
appropriate for this site, yet fairly original and easy to
use.
I'd also like to expand my coverage
from game consoles to computers... I'm not talking about
today's computers, but rather the older self-contained units
produced by all the companies Intel and Microsoft ran out of
business. You know the ones I'm talking about... the TI
99/4A, the VIC20, and of course, the Amiga. I'll
probably throw in the X68000 for good measure. It was
never released in the United States, but man, you wouldn't
believe the power of the hardware, or quality of the
games. Castlevania Chronicles was originally an X68K
game before it was ported to the Playstation, and there's
another Konami title, Gradius '90, which to this day remains
exclusive to the X68000.
As you can see, I'm going to have a lot
on my plate this Christmas. In fact, I'll have so much
work to do that I'll have to put the axe to other projects,
starting with... yep, Rogue's Gallery. My apologies to
the three people who were actually looking forward to this
site, but a web page devoted to my silly,
juvenile drawings just isn't going to appeal to anyone
else. To be honest, even I'm not that excited about the
idea anymore. If it's any consolation, though, I'll post
more artwork on this site, as well as the Kingdom 'Arts
section of the Digital Press forum and Side 7, when
(if?) they start accepting new contributors.
Now that I've attacked the topic from
all sides (and batted around the wasp's nest I like to call
Penny Arcade), I can go to bed. Night, folks... I'll see
you in about a week.
| November 11,
2002... This Post is Rated M for
Mature |
You've suspected it all along, but this
update makes it official... I'm a pandering hypocrite.
I've always had reservations about the Grand Theft Auto
series, even when it went from one of the worst games on the
Dreamcast to one of the best on the Playstation 2. The
much publicized ability to lump two crimes into one by having
your way with a hooker, then beating her to death for a quick
refund, really disturbed me. I wasn't the only one who
felt this way, either. The tasteless content in Grand
Theft Auto 3 had earned it the nickname "Granny Sodomizer";
not from the likes of Donohue or Senator Joseph Lieberman, but
from other gamers who found the game's content very
unpleasant and even unnecessary.
One of my friends made a great point,
though. As nasty as Grand Theft Auto can be, it could be
worse. Some players (who've somehow managed to stay out
of their local mental institutions) have asked DMA to include
children in a future edition of Grand Theft Auto, and the
designers have ignored and even spoken out against
their demented pleas. So fear not, citizens of Vice
City... your children will be safe anywhere, at any
time. Unfortunately, the rest of the population still
has plenty to worry about, at least until DMA starts
making Grand Theft Deterrent games.
I'm sorry to say that I don't have much
else to add to this update... after screaming at the last
boss in Sly Cooper for thirty minutes, I developed a sore
throat that was quickly followed by other cold
symptoms. I've got great ideas for both comics and
articles, and I've finished the layout for Phil Estes' Robot
Rodeo Roundup. Maybe we'll see all of this and more on
the site once I start feeling better and get caught up on
my homework.
| November 6,
2002... Gone in the Blink of an
Eye |
OK, nobody blink. If you do,
it'll be November, and I don't think anyone's ready for
that. So just resist the temptation... staple your
eyelids open if necessary. Excellent... just stay
strong, people!
<BLINK!>
Aw, crap... didn't I tell you people
not to blink?! All right. Well, I guess I'll just
have to accept that the year is almost over. On the plus
side, this also means that a lot of great games are coming out
very soon for the Game Boy Advance, and, er, all those other
systems.
Seriously, though. I just picked
up a copy of Nintendo's demo DVD and was blown away by not
only the quality of the disc itself, but the many fine
products available for the GameCube. Some of the
minigames in Mario Party 4 are breathtaking, and Metroid Prime
is just as amazing, even if it doesn't quite fit the mold of
the typical Metroid game. Plus, the GameCube is getting
the kind of third party support its predecessor lacked, making
the system a lot more tempting than it was a year
ago.
And now a little somethin'-somethin'
for the classic gamers. The Intellivision had a somewhat
selective audience, much like the N64 five years ago or the
XBox today. However, if you just happen to be one of the
system's fans, you'll want to grab yourself a copy of
Nostalgia.
Joe Santulli of Digital Press recommended it some time ago,
and he's right... it really is the best Intellivision
emulator around.
I guess that's it. Enjoy the new
comic and reviews.
| October 28,
2002... Enter
Sandman |
Whew... this has got to be the largest
Zoo Logic comic I've ever made. It's kind of silly, but
heh, that's par for the course here. More serious gamers
will want to check out Phil Estes' latest review. As for
THIS gamer, he's just about ready for bed. I'll catch
you guys later, sometime after I've caught my forty
winks.
| October 25,
2002... Sale of the
Century |
I'm on the verge of being overwhelmed
by the orders I've received so far, so I'm putting the breaks
to the fire sale until I can ship out everyone's
purchases. Everyone who's already ordered will be sent
their games soon. Everyone who hasn't put in an order
yet will need to wait a little longer to do it. I
apologize for the inconvenience, but trust me, this is for the
best... I'll be better prepared to handle everyone's requests
if I'm not weighed down with so many at once.
| October 22, 2002... The
Rings of Saturn |
Wow... the sale's been up for
just one day and I've already gotten orders for over a
dozen games! Thanks for all the purchases, guys... I
really appreciate your support. I'll start mailing out
your orders this weekend, once I have your
addresses.
I spent most of last night playtesting
the games you'd purchased, and I must say (with the risk of
stating the obvious) that the Saturn is one mighty fine
system. I enjoyed nearly everything I popped into the
old girl, even Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3! It makes me
think I should do more to support the Saturn on this
site. The two dozen reviews of American Saturn
games I'd published in one of my old fanzines would work
pretty well here, I think. I've spent a lot of time
singing the praises of the system's Japanese library in
the past, but there were great Saturn games
available in the States as well.
I've thought about publishing even more
content from my newsletters on The Gameroom Blitz, but that
would be a better project for On-File, the fanzine archival
site I'd founded back in the late 90's. Unfortunately,
that site went down for the count shortly after I moved back
to Michigan. I need to bring it back someday, hopefully
with even more fanzine articles and a glossier look. I
don't know how relevant it would be to gamers who don't
remember video game fandom, but I'm sure everyone who's
ever published a 'zine would appreciate it.
All right... I'll keep you guys
informed about the progress of the sale over the week.
The next substancial update will include Phil Estes' Gungrave
review and, at long last, a Zoo Logic comic. It took a
while to get the wheels turning on the comic but I've finally
come up with an idea, not to mention a joke I had that slipped
my mind. You'll find out which one gets published this
weekend.
| October 21, 2002... The
First Annual GRB Fire
Sale |
Is anyone out there interested in
raking in more games for their collections this fall?
Well, if you are, and you'd like to give a hand to a web site
editor in need, please click on the link below.
THE
JESSCREATIONS*, CO.
EVERYTHING MUST GO SALE!
| October 19,
2002... Spam in the Place Where You
Live |
All right, all you happy people... if
you've been sending me E-mail or plan to start soon, you'd
better pay attention. My personal E-mail address has
been pulled out from under my feet, and after receiving
thousands of spam messages from my Hotmail account, it's
obvious that it's not really a valid alternative. So I'm
switching to a new E-mail service. From now on, you'll
be able to reach me at grb(at)ad-free.info... just remember
that the address won't work until you replace the decoy "at"
with a real "at" symbol. I'm counting on all of my
readers to use this address responsibly, and I'm sure most of
you will do just that.
I've got a quick note for all the
spammers, though. You have no business sending me your
moronic pyramid schemes and empty promises of a larger
manhood. I DO NOT WANT YOUR CRAP. I WILL
NOT ORDER YOUR CRAP. Don't even waste your
time adding me to your bulk mail lists, because your
advertisements will be ignored, and if your harassment
continues I will abandon my current E-mail address and sign up
for another one. Haven't you ever stopped to consider
how much you're bothering people? Does it even matter to
you? Maybe if the tables were turned and disgruntled
Internet users were picketing your businesses and throwing
rotten fruit at your houses you'd finally get it through your
thick skulls that you're hurting others with your
irresponsible, selfish actions.
All right, maybe that note wasn't so
short. You can hardly blame me for that outburst,
though... I'm sure most of you feel the same way I
do.
Anyway, here's what you'll find in this
week's update. I've added a few reviews to the Game Boy
Advance section, tweaked the links page slightly, and well,
that's pretty much it. I haven't drawn a Zoo Logic comic
yet, but it's mostly because I don't have any good ideas for
one... maybe I'll come up with something over the
weekend.
| October 14, 2002... I
Told You Webcomics Were a Bad
Idea! |
Roll out the red carpet... it's time
for the return of Fighter's Misery! It's been a while, but it's back in
style, hitting the stage with Simon and Theodore. Uh,
wait, I mean it's back with a new review. Forget
what I said about the singing rodents.
There's also a new comic, which you'll
find as always on the bottom of the page. For the
moment, at least, I'm sticking with Zoo Logic rather than
alternating between it and a furry comic largely unrelated to
gaming. It's going to be tough to keep Nature of the
Beast going with one of the main characters on vacation, and
furthermore, it just doesn't seem like the comic BELONGS
here. I need to start work on Rogue's Gallery
again. That way, I'd have the appropriate outlet
for my outside interests.
| October 7, 2002... Seal
of Disapproval |
This update's largely cosmetic... I
just wanted to update a couple pages, introduce a new banner,
and revive the weekly comic.
A few notes about all of the new
additions and changes. I know I said Byron was on
vacation for the duration of his stay in Chris Farrington's
comic 11 Will Die. However, Chris sent me a cool piece
of guest artwork that I just had to use... you'll find it in
the title banner along with a logo I drew myself. If you
want to see Chris' original sketch, larger than life and with
a dab of color thrown in by JessCREATIONS*, Co. Studios, you
can check it out here.
All right, to the next order of
business. Zoo Logic's returned, and with a brand new
character... I haven't officially named her yet, but she's
based on a good friend of mine who's written for the web site
in the past. I wasn't sure if I wanted to bring the
comic back at all, but thanks to the encouraging words of
another comic strip editor (also burned by the alliance of
pretentious furry artists commonly known as Yerf), Zoo Logic
is back on its feet. I've spent a lot of time with this
new strip, adding everything from shading to thicker
outlines. I hope you'll agree that it was worth the
extra effort.
Finally, I'm thinking of retiring the
site's official Seal of Disapproval, Akane demolishing discs
with a hammer, and replacing it with something a little
more... uh, personal. I haven't completely removed the
Akane graphic, though. You guys might want to take
a look at the new animation, scattered throughout
the cartoon
page, and let me know if I
should stick with it.
That's all he wrote for the week.
Hopefully I'll have the first part of Phil Estes' new feature
published by next week. From what I've read of
the GunMetal review alone, I think I'm going to like the
Robot Rodeo Roundup a whole lot.
Merry Christmas, guys. I know
this is late but I think you'll like what I got 'ya.
